Today, as I mumbled incoherently during the ugly process of waking up, I felt amazingly grateful. The sun peeked through our curtains, optimistically, tempting me awake with gentle rays of warmth. I stretched out my lanky legs, rolled onto my belly, and snuggled back into my satin pillow.
This morning was feeling so blissful, so peaceful, so… weird.
It only took about a minute before I realized that I wasn’t being roused by kisses and excited hands. My boyfriend was actually letting me sleep! I didn’t turn to look at him right away, I could feel his weight sinking the bed. As I lay there wondering what made him leave me be, the soft pressing of PSP Vita buttons gave me my answer.
I take the opportunity to reminisce on strawberry banana – peanut butter breakfast smoothies; a 2 day tradition we fell into while visiting my ‘almost’ sister-in-law in Muncie. My stomach growled loudly – distracting Ryan from his game, and he finally fell into his normal routine of morning affection. His affections only further my good mood, leaving me to bask in the glow. I felt extremely optimistic and positive, even my tone and interactions with Ryan had been phenomenal, despite some quarreling earlier in the week; and even though I had only been awake less than an hour, I claimed the blessings of a good day and positive attitude.
I beg to go to Mariano’s for breakfast groceries, and after an hour of getting the cats fed and preparing to leave, we’re on our way. Our first stop is Jewel Osco, which leaves us wanting for the powdered peanut butter protein and sport peppers for Ryan – whatever the hell those are. So we steer our little hatchback to Mariano’s, and begin to comb the isles for this protein powder. Damn that protein powder.
We find it rather quickly, and I reach for the PB2(the brand we came in for), while Ryan reaches for the Jiffy brand. There’s a .48 cent difference in price, and we both look at each other. He starts to tell me how Jiffy is a better brand and has more protein, but I fell in love with the PB2 and I’m familiar with the taste. A super simple thing right? Wrong.
I tell him over and over again, I don’t care that it has more protein – of course it does because it’s a bigger serving size. He yells back that the point of protein powder was to get the maximum health benefits and he used to love Jiffy, but I believe in brand loyalty.
When you find something good, you stick with it.
So there we are, standing at the end of isle 8 – in a full blown fight – with employees and shoppers side-eyeing us. I storm off, such a childish but typical response from me. Ryan just stands there in general confusion and frustration. This damn powdered peanut butter has two grown adults pouting and at odds.
As I’m walking through Mariano’s alone, I notice that I’m passing the same people that just saw me with my spouse. I wondered if they knew we had just fought, the way their judging eyes were burning into my back made me certain that they were. I began to rationalize my actions, mumbling how ridiculous he was being. Then I got angry because I felt like I needed to justify myself, which I literally started doing mentally.
I mean really, how was I in the wrong? I didn’t want the damn Jiffy, I didn’t care how much protein it had. I wanted what I wanted. How dare he try to make me try something different, How DARE he… he… he what?
I couldn’t believe how stupid the situation was, and how much of a miscommunication it was. He just wanted me to try the Jiffy because it was HIS favorite, he never told me I couldn’t have the PB2. I had stormed off and left him standing there, over powdered peanut butter. I felt judged by people who had absolutely no idea what was going on, because I was, in fact, guilty. And instead of being humble enough to see why I was feeling guilt and embarrassment, my natural reaction was anger?
How had I gone from being completely in love with this man – who gives me the world – to resenting him over peanut butter powder. It was me, and I owed him an apology. Which he immediately accepted, apologized for his role, and proceeded to giddily push the cart through the store. And as he babbled on to me about some douche that he worked with – I lingered behind him, still embarrassed from my dramatic episode. But honestly, I was STILL feeling guilty. How did he brush it off and just… act like nothing happened? I had to know, I had to ask. And his response: “Because I love you Ash, and I just want you to be happy.”
He loves me. His immediate ability to forgive my faults made me feel miserable for not doing the same for him all the time, he deserved that. He didn’t care which brand we bought, he just wanted me happy. While I was angry for reasons that were completely selfish.
I had to make a change, and I had to bargain with myself. I will only speak to the man that I love, out of love. I will only speak to people that I love, out of love. And while far-fetched and definitely going to take some practice; I need this change in my life. Most fights and arguments are prolonged in my life because I’m holding on to it, for what? I didn’t feel any better being right in the argument, I only felt better in his arms after it all. What was the moral of the story there?
I was accountable today. I practiced love, and showed humility. Those were my positive’s, and the things I accomplished that made me proud of myself today. I will carry this lesson with me, and though I may falter, I was honest with myself about my shortcomings.
Is it REALLY that big of a deal, does it HAVE to end in a fight? Most of the time, the answer is no.
We just have to show love and be smart enough to recognize real love when it’s being given to us. You save yourself a lot of hurt, heartache, and frustration when you try to understand others, instead of trying to force them to understand you.
What are your thoughts?? Drop me a comment, shoot me an email!
( and yes, we bought both anyway. lol. )